The Science of Couples and Family Therapy by John M. Gottman

Author:John M. Gottman
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: W. W. Norton & Company

First Treatment Session

In this session the therapist says that they are going to have that conversation again, but this time the therapist introduces the Gottman-Rapoport Conflict Blueprint. The blueprint is explained. They are to take turns as speaker and listener. The listener’s job is to summarize and validate. The speaker’s job is to stay out of attack-defend mode (no “you statements,” no blaming, no criticism, “you always” or “you never” statements), but to describe how he or she feels about a specific situation and express a positive need (what you do need, not what you don’t need). The need has to be as close to a recipe as possible, so the listener knows what actions the speaker wants done.

Jim has trouble understanding the role of the listener. The therapist explains two points. First, this kind of listening is not for framing a rebuttal (an occupational hazard of being a lawyer). This kind of listening is designed to UNDERSTAND the speaker, get into the speaker’s perspective, in a compassionate manner, like a Vulcan mind meld in Star Trek. The listener should get in touch with the speaker’s pain and empathize when validating. Second, the therapist explains that validating is not agreeing; it’s not giving up your own perspective. It’s being able to genuinely complete a sentence like, “I get it. From your perspective I can see why you feel this way and have these needs, because . . . ”

The therapist also explains that it’s most important to listen to NEGATIVE emotions and to try to understand what the longing is behind each emotion. The therapist hands out the booklet on great listening as something for them to read before the next session.

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